The hardships of a dopamine addict
Vera was slowly climbing the steps made of a piece of rebar shaped into a U and embedded in the rock. What was supposed to be a short climb crowned by the arrival at the summit of Pedra do Baú and a beautiful sunset, turned out to be a danger. She analyzed the steps one by one, trying to assess the likelihood of one of them not being able to support her weight. All that calculation was aimed at avoiding as much as possible a confrontation with Carlos, after all, these phases in which the two of them were together again and at peace were always so fragile! Any little problem could ruin everything. Imagine being opposed to continuing the climb for a silly reason like that!
The last time Vera and Carlos had broken up, the peace had been shattered when he invited his friends to her apartment to end the night. Those same friends who had barely bothered to memorize her name and treated her like an annoying appendage of Carlos. She was only welcome when it came to splitting the night's bills. But Carlos was a sociable guy full of acquaintances, who loved going out at night and being surrounded by people. For him, staying in the tranquillity of his home or going out as a couple wasn't an option, it was a lack of options.
That Friday when they had their last fight, Vera was exhausted. The week had been exhausting, full of problems. She had spent the days counting down the time until the weekend. Her wish that day was to lie down on the sofa, throw her feet up and watch an entire Netflix series, getting up only to pour herself another glass of wine. But then Carlos came home with the tickets to Belo's concert...
Carlos knew she didn't care for pagode music. But the tickets had fallen from the sky! They had been bought by a couple of acquaintances who had given up going to the concert at the last minute. Carlos said that his acquaintances shouldn't lose the money they had spent buying the tickets, after all, the poor things were always so short of money. Vera should be less selfish! Although she didn't feel like it, Vera went to the concert with Carlos and his friends. It was always the same, and she was used to it: everyone else's problems and desires were more important to Carlos than her own.
Vera found it difficult to impose herself. Every time she suggested a different program, her suggestions went unheeded. On good days, she was subtly ignored and her suggestions soon replaced by some other 'genius' idea. On the bad days, that little act of rebellion gave rise to a string of accusations: spoiled, snobbish, selfish, which ended with demonstrations of an unshakeable bad mood: Carlos would sulk and there was no Christian who could make him open his mouth. The balance in that relationship was always so precarious! And yet Vera insisted on the relationship. "Why is that?" she wondered.
This last time, they had been apart for six months. One day he finally showed up at her house saying he had dreamt about her. His dreams were premonitory, signs of a destiny that had to be fulfilled, and he always took them seriously. It was time for them to make up. Cordially, she opened the door to another period together. Maybe this time it would work out?
On their first weekend together, they packed their bags and headed for Campos do Jordão. The trip promised to be a good one. They were going alone, without any inconvenient friends or recent fights. Campos do Jordão had everything they both liked: lots of nice bars and restaurants, and lush nature nearby. What's more, it was winter and they could enjoy a little romance in front of the fireplace.
Saturday had been divine. They had hiked a fantastic trail through the woods of the Serra da Mantiqueira. And when Vera lay exhausted on the grass, Carlos filled her hair with wild flowers. These acts of affection were so rare that when they happened she felt like she was in a fairy tale. Everything was pure magic, unforgettable!
That evening, they had met a childhood friend of Carlos' at the restaurant, but instead of inviting him to join them at the table and spend the evening reminiscing about past adventures, Carlos had preferred to preserve their newfound intimacy and have a quiet, candlelit dinner with Vera. Nothing could be more perfect! But did moments like that make up for the succession of ups and downs in their relationship? Vera had seen a psychologist declare on social media that people in relationships like these were actually addicted to the dopamine released by the body in the rewarding moments that followed the difficult phases. Nowadays, everything was explained by dopamine...
Until today, the bargaining had seemed bearable. Most of the time she had only (only?) had to give up her desires to satisfy the wishes of a group of friends, who, to tell the truth, weren't even her friends. But this was the first time she felt she was putting her life at risk by going along with Carlos' decisions. As she continued to climb, she had to fight her instincts. Those steps, after years of exposure to the weather, were rusty. Some had already been completely corroded by rust, while others were still attached to the rock on only one side and wobbled when Vera put her foot on them.
Vera was slowly climbing the rock, her thoughts lost in a world of analogies between her love affair and those rusty rebars, when she heard the sound of a boat sail flapping in the wind. When she turned around, she saw, to her right, a nun who had been climbing the same rock a little way down, her habit shaken by the strong late afternoon wind. She was a young nun with a flushed, sweaty face and muscular arms that clung to the iron hooks attached to the rock. She had stopped to rest and was looking attentively at the group of children who were following her up the climb. At that stage, as the rock face became steeper, some had started to whimper, afraid to continue. The nun then began to sing 'Anjo da Guarda', by Arnaldo Antunes. She sang at the top of her lungs, shaking the veil attached to her head to the rhythm of Carlinhos Brown. After a moment's hesitation, the children burst into laughter and started climbing with redoubled energy, while singing along to the nun's chorus.
Vera, who had followed the scene with her eyes, as if hypnotized, had automatically gone back up the steps, feeling ashamed of her fear. But her courage was short-lived, as she soon came across another step in a terrible state. She looked up and saw Carlos, who had already reached the summit of Pedra do Baú and was now looking down from above, trying to understand why she hadn't arrived yet. She gave him a weak, half-hearted smile and looked down, estimating the distance from her point to the base of the rock. She stood there for a moment, taking in the view and gathering her strength. Then, with a lisp, she waved goodbye to Carlos and began to descend the steps in a sequence of agile, light-hearted movements. It was time to take back control of her life, after all, life is short.
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